


stopping for gas

by deaneatscake



Series: tumblr fics [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Parent Jody Mills, Season/Series 13 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 19:04:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11857764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaneatscake/pseuds/deaneatscake
Summary: based on the spoilers we got for episode 3 of season 13 here is 100% what will happen in this episode





	stopping for gas

having jody sit next to him in the impala has to be one of the strangest experience dean has ever had to live through. she doesn’t fit naturally like sam who spent most of his life in this car; she doesn’t have the same terrifying yet calming presence that cas has.

used to have. he chokes back tears.  _no use thinking about that now_.

they’ve been silent almost the whole drive – what started as a forced conversation about the case soon became an uncomfortable silence. thankfully jody doesn’t ask, doesn’t press, just accepts dean’s unwillingness to talk and scribbles down some notes for the case.

still, it’s different. her presence reminds him of everything that went wrong in the last few weeks: sam taking off with jack, jack being  _there_ , having no leads on his mom, and cas –

well,  _cas_.

at this point, he’s too tired to even think about it. it’s like running the same laps for years before finally collapsing and giving up; he won’t reach the finish line anyway. not that there ever  _was_  a finish line, because a happy end has never been an option for them.

he taps on the steering wheel and sighs. jody looks up and frowns at the fuel gauge. “we should probably stop soon,” she says. “we’re almost out of gas. i thought you’d take better care of your lady.”

_it’s a joke, it’s a joke, it’s a joke,_  he  _knows_  this when he grips the wheel tighter. “i know,” he answers curtly.  _i haven’t taken care of anything the last few weeks_  would be the better answer;  _i couldn’t_.

the truth is, as pathetic as it is, stopping for gas used to be easier when not everything reminded you of your dead –  _whatever_. he knows it’s bullshit, he knows that all these gas’n’sips aren’t out there to hunt him down, to mock him, to remind him of one of the worst mistakes he’s ever made, but somehow his brain and his heart don’t connect all that well these days.

sam has taken care of filling up baby the last few weeks and every single time dean had sat in the front seat, hands curled so tight around the wheel that they started to hurt by the time sam went to pay.

thinking about the time he let cas go when he was his most vulnerable, without –  _almost_  – without a second thought, he wonders how different it would have been if cas had just been able to stay. how different  _they_  would have been.

maybe cas would still be human. hunting with them. being with dean (in every sense of the word). at the very least, he probably wouldn’t be dead, stabbed in the back because he thought that he isn’t worth anything to anyone.

because dean never told him.  _anything_.

he almost misses the next gas station because he’s too lost in thought – if not for jody’s disapproved humming, he probably would have.

then, he just sits there, frozen in place.

asking sam – or rather, commanding him – to fill up the tank had been easy. sam knows that asking questions is futile. jody? not so much. the most terrifying thing is, he probably would answer if jody asked the right questions.

when he feels jody’s gaze on him he knows he’s been silent too long for it to not be weird. he’s pathetic.

“you okay, friend?”

and there it is, the million dollar question.

_no_  would be the easiest and the hardest answer.

“could you, um,” he says instead. “would you mind filling up the tank?”  _please don’t ask, please don’t ask, please don’t ask._ “i got cash,” he continues and pulls out his wallet. jody puts a hand on his arm.

“i got this,” she says. “but would you mind telling me why you want me to do this?”  _of course she would ask._

dean takes a deep breath. “never mind,” he panics and is out of the car in one swift motion. jody sighs and gets out of the car, too.

“dean,” she says forcefully when he fumbles with the gas pump. she sounds so scarily like a mom – not his mom per se, which makes it even worse – that he can’t help but stop and listen to her. he’s terrified.

“i don’t… want to say that i know what you’re going through. because i don’t. but i want to say that i’m there for you. for  _whatever_  you want to tell me. trust me, i’ve got two teenage girls at home, whatever it is that’s eating you up it can’t be worse than this.”

_i bet it could_ , he thinks and for a moment he contemplates just breaking down and emptying his heart out right here, right then, in this dingy gas’n’sip, but he  _can’t_. if he breaks down, he’s done for good and that’s not an option.

he tries the next best thing. “cas used to work here,” he says. “i mean, not here specifically, but – you know.”

jody’s face softens and he wants to cry. “oh, dean,” she says, slowly approaching him and taking the fuel hose out of his hands. when she pats him on the back, his entire body tenses and relaxes at the same time. “i’m sorry.”

they fill up the tank, dean just standing next to her, helplessly – he doesn’t know what to say and he isn’t entirely sure what she may already know.

“i wish i could have met him,” she says after a few moments, cautiously. “you should have brought him over to dinner sometime.”

it’s not an accusation, far from it; it’s more an acknowledgment of everything dean can’t say. he swallows. the thing is, he would have  _loved_  to bring him over to dinner. his mom is gone right now and the truth is that she was gone long before that – jody is the closest thing he ever had to a mother.

although it wouldn’t have  _meant_  anything, he would have loved to bring him over. fake it for one night. just one. “yeah,” he agrees hoarsely. it’s getting harder and harder to choke back his tears.

“well, maybe you can make good for that when he comes back.” she smiles. he wants to object, wants to say  _he won’t come back_ , but she doesn’t let him, already knowing what he’s about to say. “aww, come on, don’t be like that. you  _know_  i saw my own son come back from the dead. and you two brother have died more times than i can count. nothing’s final. you just have to have confidence.”

she doesn’t say  _hope_  nor  _faith_ , and he’s eternally grateful for that. she also doesn’t expect an answer which makes his heart swell up even more.

“alright, i’m gonna go pay,” she says. “you want any snacks?”

he shakes his head and watches her shrug and make her way to the building before surprising himself and saying: “wait!”

she stops in her tracks and turns around. “you’re worse than alex,” she says. “what do you want?”

he can’t  _say_  anything; if he says something, he’ll cry, and that’s not an option. instead, he takes the few steps and pulls her into a hug. she needs a moment before leaning into the hug, putting his arms around him and embracing him firmly.

“it’s going to be okay,” she says softly. “you can tell me anything when we get out of here, okay?”

he nods. his face is probably a grimace by now, strained from the efforts not to cry, but the prospect of maybe – just  _maybe_  – telling jody everything is making it harder to bear all the shit that’s currently going on in his life.

after a few seconds, she pulls out of the hug and nods towards him. “i’m gonna bring some ice cream,” she says. “the monsters can wait.”

**Author's Note:**

> [rebloggable link](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/post/164377197148/stopping-for-gas-1306-words-based-on-the)  
>  come visit me on [tumblr](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com)
> 
> this will have a sequel soon where they actually™ talk about feelings... at least as much as Dean is able to!


End file.
